Classified Ads – December 2001


MR ARCUS DOWNE, a zombie, has lost an arm. When exiting from The Bucket main doors last night, arms first, Mr Downe was side-swiped by a large passing troll and both arms were knocked off. The troll failed to remain at the scene or stop and leave his name and number. The City Watch is now looking for the troll, who is about 9 feet tall and of granite appearance.

One of the arms was recovered and stitched back on, but the other arm was last seen in the mouth of a large dog, which took off down the street. If you own a dog and notice a freshly dug mound in your yard, please check for the arm.

For Sale

STALE BREAD at half price. Dwarves warn that the bread has now gone somewhat soft but is still appropriate for, say, a child’s first weapon. Go to the bakery on Elgin Street.


WATER BOARD requires 80 people to act as testers. 5 pounds an hour. (Some risk of death.) Sorry, no zombies.

DEMONS NEEDED to run the visitor counter on the Unseen Theatre Company home scroll. Must be hard-working, efficient, dynamic, and a team player. The positions are full time but if you are a good demon, you will get great job satisfaction. Our current demons worked so hard and so fast that the friction caused many of them to burst into flames. They are charred and blackened but are still slaving away. But frankly they are burnt out and we need some fresh talent in. If you think you can aspire to this level of determination and commitment, please call us today. No refs req.

ROVING REPORTERS. Do you have your eye on the pulse and your finger on the scene? Become a freelance roving reporter for The Unseen Gazette and your name will be lit up in bright red ink on this parchment. Hold your feather over these words and press, and you will be taken to another scroll where you can enter your story.