We are sad to report the death of Kerbie the rat. He lived in our ceiling and had become something of an unofficial mascot for us, as he trod the boards above us every night, squeaking his little heart out about the agonies and ecstasies of the ratty coil.
In his last hours his mind started to go and he was probably in great pain. He had become arthritic in his old age and his treading had become just a faint scratching. There is some debate about the cause of death and it is reportedly even possible that Kerbie was murdered. Half a pellet of rat poison was found next to his little mouth, with rat dribble still wet on it.
Our caretaker Njal had left a pile of rat pellets there a year ago (“It was a joke,” he said, “can’t any of you stiffs get a sense of humour?!)”. Kerbie was too smart to eat them though. The strange thing is, that Kerbie was lying on the other side of the roof, too weak and sick to reach the pellets, so someone or something must have taken the pellet to him and held it in his mouth. Kerbie is survived by his wife Euthasia and numerous children.
The possibility of murder is strengthened by the fact that someone else was heard in the attic. This conversation was overheard by Sean, Production Manager, on the night Kerbie died. Sean heard this coming from inside the roof:
“Squeak! Squeak?”
NO. HE COULDN’T COME.
“Squeak, squeeeeaak.”
HE HAS HIS PAWS FULL. THERE WAS A FIRE AT THE TEMPLE IN KLATCH.
“Squeak squeak squeeaaak, squeak squeak!”
WHAT IF I BEND DOWN LIKE THIS? WOULD THAT BE BETTER?
“Squeak.”
I CAN’T MAKE MYSELF ANY SHORTER.
“Squeak squeak?”
NO.
“Squeeak!!”
OH, ALL RIGHT THEN, IF YOU COME ALONG QUICKLY AFTERWARDS. AHEM. AH, SQUEEK. SKWEEK. NO. THAT’S NOT RIGHT. SQUEAK. SQUEAK.
“Squeak!”
THANK YOU. I’M NOT USED TO SQUEAKING IN PUBLIC. BUT MY DAUGHTER SAYS I HAVE QUITE A PRESENCE. COME ALONG NOW.
“Squeak squeak?”
I DON’T THINK HE GIVES OUT AUTOGRAPHS ANYMORE. THE INKSPOTS WON’T COME OUT OF THE BONE. ANYWAY, YOU WON’T GET TO MEET HIM UNTIL NEXT TIME NOW.
“Squeak.”
OH. SORRY. ER, SQUEAK, SQUEAK.”
However, everyone knows that Sean is an utter nutter with a penchant for Dibblerburgers, so none of us believes this story.
