Multi-dimensional news

We are sad to report the death of Kerbie the rat. He lived in our ceiling and had become something of an unofficial mascot for us, as he trod the boards above us every night, squeaking his little heart out about the agonies and ecstasies of the ratty coil. In his last hours his mind started to go and he was probably in great pain. He had become arthritic in his old age and his treading had become just a faint scratching. There is some debate about the cause of death and it is reportedly even possible that Kerbie was… Read more

KITTENS. ESPECIALLY THE CUTE LITTLE GINGER FLUFFY ONES AND ALSO THE GREY ONES WITH THE BIG BLUE EYES. THEY ARE SO SWEET. WILL SWAP FOR VALUABLE 660 YEAR OLD ANTIQUE COIN. PLEASE TAKE KITTENS TO GIVO’S RESTAURANT AT 9 O’CLOCK. WILL MEET YOU THERE. ANTS. As many as possible. Will pay extra for ants with Ant IQ of 190 and over. Particularly want these breeds: Merch, Elope, Verd, Import, ICS, Jubil, Igone, PL, Ique, Agonize, Adam, Ler, Ithesis and Mord. Contact Ponder Stibbons, Unseen University.

Thank you to Golem Halagor for donating some of his own clay for use in moulding masks for our next production. Halagor said he had been scraping extra bits off his body for nearly a year now, and saving them in a jar for us. In similar news, we must also thank Witch Wildermia for sending in her old toenail clippings and leg hair – we’ll be using them as Nobby’s costume and the Patrician’s moustache respectively in one of our next plays.

Unseen University continues to bombard us with noisome writs, delivered by that zombie, Arcus Downe. Here is an extract of our reply to them:Unseen Uni Wizards Dear Sirs, In regard to your claim of breach of trademark, we were “Unseen” long before you were Unseen. For years, no one was seeing our plays – long before no one started seeing your lectures. We have achieved greater lack of recognition and publicity than has your university. Should you continue with this campaign, we will with reluctance have to withdraw your annual complimentary tickets to our main play, and you will not… Read more

Lost/Found MR ARCUS DOWNE, a zombie, has lost an arm. When exiting from The Bucket main doors last night, arms first, Mr Downe was side-swiped by a large passing troll and both arms were knocked off. The troll failed to remain at the scene or stop and leave his name and number. The City Watch is now looking for the troll, who is about 9 feet tall and of granite appearance. One of the arms was recovered and stitched back on, but the other arm was last seen in the mouth of a large dog, which took off down the… Read more

Unseen’s cash box has just been sitting here in the office for a long time now (ignored by the Thieves Guild of course, the snobs, no it’s all forgotten now). So we decided to apply to open an account at a new bank in Ankh Morkpork, called “Eezy Banking”. After 3 months of nothing happening, we finally received our application parchment back in the mail only to find that it had been rejected! The problem was marked in heavy red ink. We had not filled out the form correctly. We had failed to specify whether the account holder was a… Read more

Thieves broke in last night and stole a pair of shoes used by Detritus in our last play from our Costume Department (the wardrobe in Pamela’s study). We are glad to be finally getting some recognition from the Thieves Guild and look forward to a relationship and spirit of further co-operation between our guilds in the future. Perhaps even a BBQ (BYO or SYO) will be arranged and they might even come and steal some Hogswatch cards from us. To remind readers, we requested the shoes to be stolen about 5 months ago. Certainly no one in our theatre company… Read more